Day 23 of “A 30 Day Journey into Stillness”

A couple of weeks after the shocking revelation of my fierce “no” in the God-a-logue exercise, I walked my first Labyrinth in a day-long Silent Retreat at Vancouver School of Theology. The instructions were to choose something that we were struggling with, so I had no problem with what to contemplate while walking into the centre of the Labyrinth. I was deeply troubled by the force of my “God denial.” It was not how I “saw” myself. It also did not match a lifetime of receiving feedback from strangers — those who could “see” or “sense” Consciousness —  that I was “gifted.” Of course, habits of ego being what they are, I took this to mean that “I” (the separate identity responding to the name Laura) had “to do” something — to be something “above and beyond.” I felt it as enormous responsibility.

The egoic pressure would increase each time I received one of these “compliments,” even though I am sure they were meant to encourage me. I did not realize when I was younger that it was the “Indwelling God” being seen. As long as I heard these comments from a separated identity it only served to “bloat” ego, separate me from the immediacy of Life, and — ironically — build a massive defense between God and “me.”